Life lessons

Well, I caved. I decided to join the blogging world for real. I know that I had a blog in Africa, but obviously sort of thought that only a cool experience like that was worth blogging about. I got to thinking though--I am horrible at journaling, and wish I was better, but the fact of the matter is I don't think I ever will be. However, I love being on the internet, and blogging has to do with the internet--so surely I can make myself do something like this. Not to mention, if I blog, I will make sure that my life is exciting/worthwhile enough, so that I have good things to write about. Hence, the caving.

Anyway, this first post I sort of have to dedicate to my cousin Thane's wife Shelby. She is quite the woman, and I just love her! She was reading the book "The Happiness Project" by Gretchen Rubin and decided to do a happiness project herself. I was actually having a rough night one night when I read her first post about this book. I instantly realized that I needed to get my hands on that book. I tend to think too much sometimes (okay, all the time) and this puts me into a bind often as I dwell on mistakes I've made and such too much or people that used to be in my life that aren't anymore - it always makes me sad even if I know it is for the better. Well, I commented on Shelby's post and said something to the effect of "this book is for me and I need to read it too" - and I figured that would be it. Maybe I would think about getting the book, but with my busy life probably not. A good idea - but would it really happen? Doubtful. Well, without even asking her to, Shelby decided to bring the book along with her one time her and Thane came to Provo and she gave it to me so that I could read it. I was so surprised, but really happy! Well I have started to read it, and let's just say it is already changing my life.

Let me just share a few passages from this book that have really struck me thus far.

"Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing or that, but simply growth. We are happy when we are growing. Contemporary researchers make the same argument: that it isn't goal attainment but the process of striving after goals--that is, growth--that brings happiness."

"When I thought about why I was sometimes reluctant to push myself, I realized that it was because I was afraid of failure--but in order to have more successes I needed to be willing to accept more failure.

...

To counteract this fear, I told myself, 'I enjoy the fun of failure.' It's fun to fail, I kept repeating. It's part of being ambitious; it's part of being creative. If something is worth doing, it's worth doing badly."

All of these quotes hit me pretty hard.

The first one seems so simple, yet after I read it I realized "ah ha! that's why I'm not happy sometimes when I can't put my finger on it--I'm just going through the motions, chugging along, without really trying to become better or reach new heights" ... it seems so easy, but yet I find myself just going along doing the same things I've always done in life lately. After I read this, I decided it is time to push myself to do more. Study my scriptures more. Clean my room more. Help people more. Step out of my comfort zone and meet more people. The list goes on. I even went as far as making a sign above my bed that says "HAPPINESS IS ABOUT GROWTH" so that I see if everyday and remember to act on it.

I actually read the second and third quotes tonight. I am about to graduate and I am going to be very honest for a minute. It is terrifying for me. My future is looming over my head, like a dark cloud. Day after day, I think about how I have to get a job. And how I sort of don't want to. I sort of don't want to do the work that is required to get a job. Time and time again I have not gotten job offers. Silly jobs too. So how on earth am I supposed to get a legitimate job after I graduate? The thought has terrified me for the past year and because I am afraid of it, I have ignored it. I don't want to fail. I figure I can't fail if I don't try. So.... I haven't tried for a while. This past week it has really been looming over my head and I decided it really was time to do something about it even if I didn't want to at all. Thankfully, Josh and Tiersha helped me edit my resume and I got it all fixed up and Tiersha has been kind enough to help in finding jobs that I can apply to. This one particular one sounded very interesting to me because it's a counseling job, which completely relates to my psychology degree. Well, yesterday I applied. Tomorrow I will call them and ask for an interview. It is scary, but I am glad that I am at least taking steps toward making a job happen after I graduate. Anyways, so I read the page that those quotes were found on tonight and I basically realized that is me. I completely relate to Gretchen. I have many a time not pushed myself because I am afraid of failure. But as she so clearly points out, in order to have more successes you need to be willing to accept some failure. Let's be real, I have already experienced failure. Instead of it making me word harder though, it often puts me in a rut and I sort of give up. After reading that statement though, I realized that is the dumbest thing I could do. In order to consider myself ambitious, I have to keep trying and trying and put on a face that I am okay with failure, because soon enough a success will come out of it. Like perhaps maybe getting a good job someday soon. Or maybe getting married. Maybe throw a couple kids in the mix. Eventually. I need to accept that most everybody does some things badly before they can do them well. It is life! SO here is to telling myself for the next few months that failure is fun. And applying to jobs - maybe not getting some of them, but that is okay. It will all work out if I just try. I have to try and work towards making progress so that I actually can and as a bonus point maybe get a good job eventually and be a lot happier!

You are probably bored to tears now. Most people probably don't write such long first blog posts. Let's be real though: I'm different. And I happen to like it. :)

Well friends, stick around and you just may see some more exciting blog posts from me. You just may.